I am so lost. I have been searching, for something, something unreal, for so long, I’ve missed out on things—actions, scenes—right in front of me. I gave no input, didn’t leave my social imprint on a moment in time. I didn’t make myself known. I haven’t. I couldn’t. I feel disconnected with life, even around the ones that give it the most meaning. I don’t know how to connect anymore. I feel like a frayed wire, shooting jolts of electricity at the wrong times, but failing to conduct or convey my power. I am merely a spectator, observing all that happens around me but am unable to interact and influence what happens or is to happen. Might as well sow my mouth shut. I feel sick, trapped inside my body but unable to steer the vessel. I feel the disconnect wherever I am. I sometimes wonder if it’s more prominent than I thought or if I’m imagining it everywhere. I have nothing relevant to say. Nothing of substance, and I feel why contribute more unnecessary chatter about trivial matters? Maybe that’s a depressed person’s way of thinking. I feel like I can’t choose the right words anymore. I never know what I’m talking about because I feel forced to answer when I’m spoken to. I don’t know whether to be truthful, deceitful, or facetious. I don’t have opinions, only understanding. I understand I understand nothing but absolute concepts. I don’t know what I stand for, if I ever stood for anything. I don’t know what I want anymore, or why I waste my time in other departments when I should be focused on myself and reattaching my detached feelings. I need my mind to attune to my soul.

For You

versatile-nightowl:

I will pour myself
like coffee in your morning cup
and tickle your nose
with my greeting aroma
I will wisp my steam
through your nasal passages
stimulating your system
of sluggish nerves
I will listen to you,
  my favorite song,
keeping beat with my heart,
harmonizing with your hum,
lulling me to sweet oblivion
I will forgive you
as one forgives oneself
because we are human,
vulnerable and feckless
  lonely and restless;
I will lay beside you
all season until sunrise
when light peeks through shade
and fire burns in our eyes
I will fall deep down
the well in your iris
and find myself inside
  guiding us both
towards essential growth,
to intertangle like vines

For You

I will pour myself
like coffee in your morning cup
and tickle your nose
with my greeting aroma
I will wisp my steam
through your nasal passages
stimulating your system
of sluggish nerves
I will listen to you,
  my favorite song,
keeping beat with my heart,
harmonizing with your hum,
lulling me to sweet oblivion
I will forgive you
as one forgives oneself
because we are human,
vulnerable and feckless
  lonely and restless;
I will lay beside you
all season until sunrise
when light peeks through shade
and fire burns in our eyes
I will fall deep down
the well in your iris
and find myself inside
  guiding us both
towards essential growth,
to intertangle like vines

A reminder:

I don’t want to write about you.
Orange and greens
   Filtered means
Diluted—dreams
                 reality
tangibly mixing me
  up inside
Resuming to prove to you—Me
I control my self-worth
I am not alone on this earth
   Only in temple
   What is simple
   and complex; I am
perplexed in this life
These nerves—the nerve
of them, vibrating exponentially
causing imbalanced beams
to teeter and totter,
tearing apart the seems
that once held together
the molding of what
   I am to be

Simple Apprehension

Caffeine curdled with cannabis
a rushing stream of nerves
corrupting my senses
  stalling the hunger
  arousing the amygdala
     to focus on what?
Connaturally knowing
through text I display
sketchbook paper smudged
with charcoal black
the color of my mood
  keeping my will at bay
Too many words
not enough time
   relative to all
   conceptually absolute
  mentally resolute
emotionally destitute

I crave you
more often than I 
crave delicious fruit
I always want my citrus
thirst-quenching juiciness
but I’ll take vitamin D over vitamin C
and save ripened tangerines
for when I’m feeling a little weak
in the knees after squeezing your 
blooms—good enough to eat

Summertime

versatile-nightowl:

Summer loving
Ice cream shovings
into dripping mouths;
a melting cavern,
chocolate pools bubbling
under tongues suppressing
   mundane topics
let’s get a little gay
take off my top and
         lay on top of me
Kill the chills
with your bikini thrills
refocus your scope sur moi
  basket case weaving
  message receiving
southern comfort relieving
   excavated sediment
sentiments circulate
agreements perpetuate
a consistent blend
of froth and forthcomings
  remember to remember
one’s habitual shortcomings

Summertime

Summer loving
Ice cream shovings
into dripping mouths;
a melting cavern,
chocolate pools bubbling
under tongues suppressing
   mundane topics
let’s get a little gay
take off my top and
         lay on top of me
Kill the chills
with your bikini thrills
refocus your scope sur moi
  basket case weaving
  message receiving
southern comfort relieving
   excavated sediment
sentiments circulate
agreements perpetuate
a consistent blend
of froth and forthcomings
  remember to remember
one’s habitual shortcomings